From the Editors
1-Sa`ad al-Hariri will release a videotaped statement from Paris saying that everyone in Lebanon must be brave and steadfast in pursuing justice for assassinated Prime Minister Rafik al Hariri. He will then go out for a five course meal, in Paris.
2-Hassan Nasrallah will release a videotaped statement from an unknown location where he announces that there will be peace and stability in Lebanon. He will sweat profusely, smile, and point his finger at the camera.He will then dispatch armed forces around the country to “enforce” this peace and stability.
3-Walid Jumblatt will provide the answers as he blows, and blows with the changing winds. A remake of the Bob Dylan classic will be called “Walid Bek, my friends, is blowing in the wind . . . Walid Bek is blowing in the wind(s)”
4-The United Nations and the “international community” will remember that international law is supposed to be binding. Well, sometimes at least. As long as it does not concern Israel's occupation of Palestine, or Israel's dispossession of Palestinians.
5-Thomas Friedman will make the rounds on mainstream news programs, sharing his “expertise” on Shiites. He will explain why they will react to the news differently than their Sunnite counterparts due to a DNA permutation that causes them to seek “martyrdom.” Friedman will suggest that nothing important has happened since the battle of Karbala, really.
6-Lebanese citizens will begin stocking up on what they need to survive another war. Overnight, the country will experience shortages of cigarettes, vodka, whiskey, and other intoxicants.
7-Lebanese businesses will begin plans to move to “safe” areas away from possible Sunnite-Shiite clashes and “away” from areas populated by their co-citizens who might be targeted by the Israeli war machine for living in a “Hezbollah [civilian] stronghold”. Don't blame the businessmen, they are just doing their job by feeding the seemingly congenital Lebanese desire to “enjoy the summer.”
8-Al-Jazeera will begin covering the Iranian plot to throw Lebanon into disarray 24/7. Bahrain? What's that?
9-Michel Aoun will reveal that in fact he is, and always has been, Rafik al Hariri. Thus, the indictment must be an Israeli-American plot, since he is still alive and kicking. The world will finally understand that his erratic behavior is actually due to him being two people, at once. Now, he can be the [Maronite] President and the [Sunni] Prime Minister of Lebanon. Beam me up, Scotty.
10-The stalemate in Lebanon will be stretched even thinner. Political factions opposed to Hezbollah will continue to re-arm and train their “secret” militias. Once they have assurances of Israeli-Saudi-American Saudi support, the stalemate will end with the ignition of a legally “legitimate” local-foreign war against a terrorist organization snubbing its nose at international law. Israel will take (as long as it is feasible) former Lebanese Minister of Defense Elias el-Murr's advice to not target “Christian areas” of the country. Over a million Lebanese will be internally displaced, and thousands will die in order to enforce an “enlightened,” “life loving” and “democratic” Middle East.
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