Follow Us

RSS Feed    Follow on Twitter    Follow on Facebook    YouTube Channel    Vimeo Channel    Tumblr    SoundCloud Channel    iPhone App    iPhone App
Tough Niece

Top Ten List: What to Expect From Ahmadinejad’s Visit to Lebanon (+ Arabic Translation)

[Image From Unknown Archive: President Ahmadinejad] [Image From Unknown Archive: President Ahmadinejad]

[Update: See Arabic translation below . . . by popular demand!]

10- Upon hearing Ahmadinejad’s footsteps in Lebanon, Ariel “Arik” Sharon rises from his coma long enough to learn that Iran is still on the road to becoming the second country in the Middle East to have a nuclear weapon after Israel. He has another stroke. Round two for Ahmadinejad.

9-Upon meeting Ahmadinejad at a fundraiser for Hezbollah, Lebanese-American Miss USA 2010 Rima Faqih assassinates him, flies back to Iran and stages a coup branded by Saatchi and Saatchi  as  "From Wilayat al Faqih to Wilayet al Al-Faqih.” [من ولاية الفقيه الى ولاية ال آل فقيه}  President Faqih makes high heels, manicured nails, and makeup mandatory in Iran. Western Feminists and Nicholas Sarkozy rejoice.

8-Upon throwing a rock at Occupied Palestine from the Lebanese border, Ahmadinejad misses and the rock falls with stunning force into no-man’s land. Oil begins to gush forth from where the rock landed. Immediately, Israel and Lebanon sign a peace deal brokered by Iran. An oil pipeline is built from Tehran to Haifa. Capitalism wins. Again. Yay.

7- Upon having a 64-plate mezza dinner at Mounir restaurant with Said Akl, Patriarch Sfeir and the ghost of Gibran Khalil Gibran, Ahmadinejad has an epiphany and is overwhelmed by the superiority of the Phoenician/Lebanese civilization vis-à-vis the Persian. He skips his visit to the South of Lebanon, flies back to Tehran and stages a coup. He replaces Shiite clergy with Shiite, Sunni, Jewish, Baha’i, Zoroastrian, and Chaldean clergy. God Bless Lebanese style secularism.

6- Upon viewing him, Lebanese women are overcome by his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious magic and begin donning the chador en masse. The UN Security Council convenes.

5- Upon viewing him, self-identified Lebanese homosexuals are overcome by his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious magic and realize that they are agents of Western imperialism and Zionism. They promptly get married to members of the opposite sex while continuing to have same sex contact but not identifying as homosexual as such. The Sheikh of al Azhar, the Ghost of Jerry Falwell, and Pope Benedict rejoice.

4-Upon swimming in the Mediterranean and Skiing in the Cedars on the same day, Ahmadinejad realizes that Iranian women are just not as pretty as Lebanese women, nor is the rest of the scenery. He resigns, moves to Lebanon and buys a villa in Brummana next to Mounir restaurant. The people of Iran rejoice. The residents of Brummana are worried that another Muslim foreigner who dresses as if he is from the “lower classes” has moved in. Op-eds are written in Al-Nahar about threats to the "sectarian balance" in Lebanon.

3-Upon flying to Beirut, Ahmadinejad’s plane misses Lebanon (its so small, after all) and lands in Damascus.

2-Upon Meeting with Saad Hariri, Hassan Nasrallah, Samir Geagea, and Michel Aoun Ahmadinejad realizes that Lebanese politics is just really, really fucked up and goes home.

1-Israel, with US backing, takes the opportunity of Ahmadinejad’s visit to Lebanon to launch (another) devastating war on Lebanon. After all, presidents of sovereign nations should not have the right to visit other states when invited by that state’s president if that visit might “provoke” Israel. Arab heads of state convene the Arab league over coffee and belly dancers and issue strong statements against the “Israeli aggression”. Ahmadinejad flies home on a private jet. Lebanon is plunged into a civil war and an Israeli occupation. Again.

 


 

 

لائحة "Top 10": توقعات لزيارة "أحمدي نجاد" الى لبنان


10

    لدى سماعه وقع خطى أحمدي نجاد على الأراضي اللبنانية، ينهض آريال شارون من غيبوبته ليدرك أن ايران ما زالت تتجه صوب أن تصبح ثاني دولة نووية في الشرق الأوسط بعد إسرائيل. عندها، يصاب "شارون" بنوبة ثانية، وتسجّل جولة رابحة جديدة لأحمدي نجاد


9

خلال لقاءها بأحمد نجاد في احدى حفلات جمع التبرعات لحزب الله"، تقدم ملكة جمال الولايات المتحدة للعام 2010 الأميركية – اللبنانية ريما فقيه على اغتياله، ثم تعود الى ايران لتعلن انقلابا موسوما بشعار "ساتشي أند ساتشي" بعنوان "من ولاية الفقيه الى ولاية آل فقيه". الرئيسة الجديدة "فقيه" تجعل الكعب العالي، والأظافر المطليّة، والماكياج لباسا الزاميا في ايران. لدى سماع الخبر، تعم حال البهجة النسويات الغربيات والرئيس الفرنسي نيكولا ساركوزي


8

دىل قيامه برمي حجرة صوب فلسطين المحتلة عبر الحدود اللبنانية – الفلسطينية، يخطئ أحمدي نجاد الهدف وتسقط الحجرة بقدرة عجيبة في أرض مهجورة، لتفجّر بئرا من النفط الذي يبدأ بالتدفق. بوساطة ايرانية فورية، يوقع "لبنان" واسرائيل على اتفاقية سلام، ويتم مد أنبوب نفط من طهران الى حيفا. نصر جديد يسجّل للرأسمالية! مجددا!


7

لدى تناوله المازة اللبنانية على الأصول في مطعم "منير" مع كل من سعيد عقل، البطريرك صفير وشبح جبران خليل جبران، تحدث رؤية مفاجئة لأحمدي نجاد وتطغى عليه عظمة الحضارة الفينيقية/اللبنانية وتفوقها على الحضارة الفارسية. عندها، يلغي رحلته الى الجنوب، يعود الى طهران وبدأ انقلابا جديدا، يستبدل فيه حكم الملالي الشيعة، بمجلس اكليروس شيعي – سني – يهودي – بهائي – زرادشتي – كلداني. بارك الله بالعلمانية على الستايل اللبناني.


6

لدى مشاهدته، تقع النساء اللبنانيات أسيرات سحره الطاغي والقاهر والأخّاذ، ويبدأن بارتداء "الشادور" أفواجا أفواجا. عندها ينعقد مجلس الأمن الدولي.


5

لدى مشاهدته، يقع المثليون/ات اللبنانيون/ات أسرى سحره الطاغي والقاهر والأخّاذ، ويدركون أنهم/ن عملاء/عميلات للغرب الامبريالي وللحركة الصهيونية، فيقدمون فورا على الزواج بأفراد من الجنس الآخر، مع استمرارهم/ن بالتورط في احتكاكات مع أبناء وبنات جنسهم/ن، لكن من دون أن يعيّنوا أنفسهم/ن كمثليين/ات. لدى سماعهم الخبر، يصاب كل من شيخ الأزهر، وشبح جيري فالويل، والبابا بينيديكتوس بفرحة عارمة.


4

أثناء قيامه بالسباحة في مياه المتوسط ومن ثم التزلج في الأرز في اليوم نفسه، يدرك أحمدي نجاد أن النساء الايرانيات لسن بمثل حسن النساء اللبنانيات، وكذلك المشاهد الأخرى. يقدّم الرئيس استقالته، ينتقل الى لبنان، ويشتري فيلاّ في برمانا الى جانب مطعم "منير". يبتهج الشعب الإيراني، إلا أن سكان برمانا يصابون بالقلق لدى معرفتهم بقدوم مغترب مسلم آخر، بثياب توحي بانتماءه الى "الطبقة الدنيا". بعد أيام قليلة، تبدأ جريدة النهار بالتحدث عن "التوازن الطائفي" المهدد في  لبنان


3

لدى تحليقها فوق بيروت، تغفل طائرة أحمدي نجاد لبنان نتيجة صغر حجمه على الخريطة، لتحطّ في دمشق


2

بعد لقاءه بكل من سعد الحريري، حسن نصر الله، سمير جعجع و ميشال عون، يدرك أحمدي نجاد أن السياسة اللبنانية هي عبارة عن فوضى، فوضى حقيقية، فيغادر عائدا الى وطنه.


 1

تستغل إسرائيل، بدعم من الولايات المتحدة، فرصة زيارة أحمدي نجاد الى لبنان لتشن حربا مدمرة جديدة ضد لبنان. فمهما يكن، ليس من حق رؤساء الدول ذات السيادة، تلبية دعوات رؤساء آخرين بزيارة بلدانهم اذا ما كانت الزيارة مستفزّة لإسرائيل. عندها، يدعو الرؤساء والملوك العرب مجلس الجامعة العربية للانعقاد على فنجان قهوة بحضور مجموعة من الراقصات الشرقيات، ويصدرون بيانا "شديد اللهجة" يدين "العدوان الإسرائيلي". يعود أحمدي نجاد الى الوطن على متن طائرة خاصة، تاركا خلفه لبنان يغرق في حرب أهلية واجتياح اسرائيلي، مجددا.

 

25 comments for "Top Ten List: What to Expect From Ahmadinejad’s Visit to Lebanon (+ Arabic Translation)"

Gravatar

I simply cannot express to you how amazing this is

Ogie wrote on October 12, 2010 at 02:15 AM
Gravatar

Maya... u made by day!! thank you :)

Marya wrote on October 12, 2010 at 03:21 AM
Gravatar

Love it! This is really funny.

Shalabieh wrote on October 12, 2010 at 04:41 AM
Gravatar

that is great! irony and sarcasm must finally be acknowledged as necessary criteria for membership in lebanese political discourse. covering the irony and sarcasm of this discourse with a veil of seriousness (as if everything is at stake all the time) discriminates against all those who want to engage in lebanese politics without selling their souls, or emptying their pockets. as long as we keep such cover, the only way i can make sense of lebanese politics is to assume that our poor politicians genuinely think we are all stupid. am I making sense? i hope not...i have always believed i can be a great politician. thanks maya.

karim wrote on October 12, 2010 at 05:02 AM
Gravatar

oh wow... you cracked me up hehehehehe. pic is amazing too hahahahaha. :D Thx! :D

Di wrote on October 12, 2010 at 05:52 AM
Gravatar

There is nothing more pathetic than the Lebanese.

Nabz Kay wrote on October 12, 2010 at 06:25 AM
Gravatar

AMAZING!!! Hilarious!

Sara wrote on October 12, 2010 at 12:22 PM
Gravatar

this is my first visit to your blog, certainly won't be my last!

Mad Mood wrote on October 12, 2010 at 03:29 PM
Gravatar

Hahahahahaha Hat off to Maya Mikdashi for this!!! It is hilarious!!! Thank you for making my day...

Basheer wrote on October 13, 2010 at 02:02 AM
Gravatar

sorry just not funny.

M wrote on October 13, 2010 at 03:34 AM
Gravatar

little contribution from uae: After Ahmadinejad's visit and realizing how similar the two nations are, he stroke a deal for next 10 years for two countries to exchange the latest technological information regarding plastic surgery, a deal that will bring two countries Billions and billions of dollars in profit and their nations every lasting happiness! Of course, him himself needs no plastic surgery, hansome fellow that he is.

aydin+tima wrote on October 13, 2010 at 03:56 AM
Gravatar

Wicked piece =) Loved it!

Phil wrote on October 13, 2010 at 05:00 AM
Gravatar

...didn't like it..it's shallow..sorry about that Maya

Sophia wrote on October 13, 2010 at 07:44 AM
Gravatar

Muaaahahahahah

Stanfren wrote on October 13, 2010 at 08:09 AM
Gravatar

Brilliant.

Issa wrote on October 13, 2010 at 09:01 AM
Gravatar

i seriousely dont understand when lebanese ppl r gonna wake up!!! when u leave lebanon and travel overseas specially to a western country, u really feel sorry 4 all those ppl who are goverened and emotionally manipulated by the dumbest politions on earth. there main policy is to keep there nation worried abt politics while they steal their money. corrupt and ignorants!!

layla wrote on October 13, 2010 at 09:11 AM
Gravatar

lame

ali wrote on October 13, 2010 at 11:13 AM
Gravatar

Absolutely hilarious! Maya, I love what you write. Very smart, very witty.

Jenny wrote on October 13, 2010 at 11:17 AM
Gravatar

Supercalifragilistictly brilliant!

nadya wrote on October 13, 2010 at 12:42 PM
Gravatar

Excellent satire. Seems to have gone over the heads of a few Phoenicians who are posting on here.

Miranda wrote on October 13, 2010 at 01:43 PM
Gravatar

hahaha this is article is soo funny! my regards to the author

ilikecomedy wrote on October 14, 2010 at 09:31 AM
Gravatar

Excuse my interference, but the Baha'is have no clergymen. The above statement was a misleading piece of information!

Farshad wrote on October 14, 2010 at 10:32 AM
Gravatar

hi Farshad. Sorry for the oversight. No harm intended, it was meant to illustrate a larger point. Now I know more about Baha'is!

Maya wrote on October 14, 2010 at 02:43 PM
Gravatar

funny if u are not from Lebanon but if you are from the real Lebanon when your family is peacefully staying at home and the Israeli army bum your home it is nut funny i am christian from the south and i lost my family so i understand what is the meaning of the resistance thank you Ahmadi najad for helping Lebanon supporting the Lebanese army and the resistance

chris wrote on October 14, 2010 at 05:39 PM
Gravatar

Brilliant, funny, perceptive, chapeau bas Maya!

Rime wrote on November 01, 2010 at 08:22 AM

If you prefer, email your comments to info@jadaliyya.com.

Pages/Sections

Archive

Jad Navigation

View Full Map, Topics, and Countries »
You need to upgrade your Flash Player

Top Jadaliyya Tags

Get Adobe Flash player