Breaking News: "Black Gold" Actually (Dark) Blue Ink

“What we always thought was oil is actually the same stuff you find in a Bic pen,” shocked analysts say.
 
An emergency G7 meeting was called last night in response to the earth shattering news that what has been thought for over a century to be oil – petroleum – is in fact nothing more than the viscous ink used in certain ballpoint pens.

Reverberations of shock could be felt around the world this morning as everyone from governments, multinational corporations, and revolutionary groups to scholars, small business owners, and ordinary citizens attempted to grapple with the implications. What was believed to be a rare and expensive natural resource has in fact been within reach of most ordinary people, and staining front shirt pockets, for decades. In response to stunned queries as to why no-one had realized this before, a spokesperson for an anonymous oil company named after a shore-dweller said, “Well, no-one had ever actually tried to write with it, or even tasted it. I mean, why would they?”

An investigative journalist unearthed the source of the cover-up when she was researching the history of mining in Iran, where historians consider oil to have first been discovered in the early twentieth century. William Knox D’Arcy negotiated the first oil contract with the Iranian Qajar government in 1901 and was granted control over oil drilling for a pittance. As later head of the Anglo-Iranian Oil Company, he sent a small memo to the British Foreign Office in 1911 that stipulated, “The fact that this material does not dry up after a certain length of time, unlike the ink in inkwells, makes it ideal for use in writing implements. It is imperative, however, that this remain a secret for 99 years. The future of the British empire depends upon it.”  The documents were declassified earlier this year but nobody had looked through them until this journalist, who wishes to remain nameless out of fear for her life. Her findings were published in the online ezine www.jadaliyya.com.

“This is unfuckingbelievable,” critical thinker and professor emeritus at MIT Noam Chomsky said. “Entire economies and geopolitical systems will be upended. The ramifications are endless.”

Indeed, those changes are already palpable. Oil giant BP is now studying ways of cleaning up the spill in the Gulf by refilling 12 billion Bic pens. “We are promoting literacy AND cleaning up the environment!” a company spokesperson said, looking giddy. “BP should get a freaking Nobel Peace Prize or something.”

Moreover, the fact that the valuable resource is now available to people without having to pay out the nose for gasoline or consumer goods made out of petroleum byproducts, triggered a wave of reactions. Widespread looting of major pen-making factories, including Mont Blanc, Bic, and Papermate, were reported throughout the day.

“I’m rich!!” whooped one Bic plant employee in British Columbia, Canada, as he loaded 27 cartons of pens into the trunk of his Hyundai. Reports of middle school students being held at gunpoint and forced to turn over their pencil cases were also common, although ipods and other electronic devices were ignored in the thefts.

Heads of state of ink-producing countries were aghast. “Thank Allah I never learned how to read or write,” said Saudi King Abdallah in a press release. “What a waste of a national resource!”

Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, laughed heartily into the phone when reached for comment. “We’ve known for a while now,” he chortled. “Why else do you think I’ve been stringing the US along? Morons.”

Effects were felt in the scholarly community as well. Roundtables have already been scheduled at annual conferences to debate whether the term "Black Gold" is still applicable.

"It's more like a very deep blue, almost navy, but not quite," said a political scientist at Cal Tech who wished to remain anonymous. "We should start calling it cobalt gold -- no, wait, cobalt is another mineral, could get confusing. How about midnight blue gold?"

Daniel Yergin, author of the award-winning oil tome, The Prize, reportedly was hospitalized for depression at an undisclosed location.

In related news, stock market prices soared this morning in response to a rumor that Prince AlWaleed bin Talal was investing heavily in lead.