Octavia Nasr Crucifies Herself, Switches to T-Mobile

On the morning of July 14, France’s independence day (the irony of it all), Octavia Nasr was found dead in her home after her self-inflicted crucifixion.* After twenty years of service to CNN, Nasr had been fired in July 2010 after tweeting that she had respect for the late Muhammad Hussein Fadlallah (who was a really, really bad man. bad, bad, bad Fadlallah, very bad, very very bad. Bad. So bad. Billy Jean bad). Shortly after the tweet, Nasr apologized and said she was misunderstood, that she did not support how bad (very very bad) Fadlallah was and insisted that she respected him only after he died because he stopped being so bad. CNN fired her anyway, citing that it was unfortunate that Nasr would exercise such poor judgment in admitting respect for the man who single-handedly brought about not only mindless terrorism, but also global warning and Nivea (hence, the French connection and the timing of her death).

Fadlallah never had a thing for words and/or spelling in English. For decades, he misread the signs and marched on in his mission to exacerbate global warning, not cognizant of the spelling mistake. Nonetheless, he made the cardinal mistake of assuming that increases in sunshine produce more need for Nivea. To make things worse, much worse, Nasr timed her own crucifixion so that it would coincide with French Independence day, also not cognizant of the fact that Nivea is a Beiersdorf product. In her crucifixion note, Nasr wrote:

“For the longest time now I’ve been trying to say things that please liberal-minded folks, especially white men. I even smiled like they do so they know I’m safe and developed. But I can’t do it anymore. The honesty’s just too much. I’m out of touch. I feel so ashamed of my people, especially the bad ones and I am ready to kill myself if it means CNN will like me anew [pronounced “A Nous”]. After all, I’m a Christian girl and can’t be very bad. I actually wanted to go far beyond crucifixion and read all of Bush’s speeches on the war on terror but was deterred by De Tocqueville’s work on the moderate mores of the Americans. F_ck Helen Thomas! What did she ever do after her boo boo?”

After her death, it was revealed that her real name was Octavia Nasr Hamid Abu-Zeid. In fact, it was discovered after the autopsy that her and Nasr Hamid Abu-Zeid (who died within two days of Fadlallah`s death--see story here) were the same person. CNN`s only remaining big-name anchor, Wolf Blitzer, searched CNN`s archives for days and could not produce a single piece of footage in which Octavia and Nasr appeared together in one place. It is noteworthy that Octavia`s nephew found a letter from T-Mobile in his aunt`s house.

* Nasr’s neighbor, Dwayne Sigfried, helped conduct the crucifixion using DeWalt equipment.