The pundits have had a lot to say about the recent comments made by Republican Representative Eric Cantor, the incoming House Majority Leader, in a private meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu earlier this week. Cantor, according to a statement released by his office, “stressed that the new Republican majority will serve as a check on the Administration and . . . made clear that the Republican majority understands the special relationship between Israel and the United States and that the security of each nation is reliant upon the other.”

Some commentators have expressed surprise that a high-ranking member of Congress would publicly assure the leader of a foreign country that he and his party would side with that leader against the President of the United States. What has gone largely unnoticed, however, is the bi-partisan battle that has ensued, as leaders of both the Democrats and Republicans have begun a bitter contest to determine who can provide the most unseemly and craven show of unthinking support for the policies of the Netanyahu government.

Senator Charles Schumer, the third-ranking Democrat in the Senate, phoned Netanyahu to assure him that if he hears any member of the Senate from either party, or anyone else for that matter, saying anything critical of Israeli government policy, “I’ll punch him or her right in the nose. Bam. And I’ll keep on punching as long as necessary.”

“I don’t care who it is,” he continued, “The President, [Secretary of State] Hillary [Clinton], the mayor, Oprah, even Donald Trump. I’ll clobber ‘em.”

Senator Schumer’s inclusion of Trump in his list of potential nose-punching targets surprised Washington pundits, although New York political insiders suggested that Schumer has long wanted to punch Trump and has just been looking for a good excuse.

Former Speaker of the House and current House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi also joined the fray. Pelosi, who was harshly criticized by Republicans, including Cantor, for traveling to Syria and meeting with President Bashar al-Assad in 2007, has agreed that from now on she will always use the adjective “stupid” when referring to the trip — i.e. “On my stupid trip to stupid Syria” — and she backed up Senator Schumer’s stance by stating: “While Chuck punches them in the nose, I’ll kick them in the shins.”

“With my special pointy shoes,” Pelosi added.

There was, however, some dissent between the liberal and conservative wings of the Democratic party concerning the proper stance towards the Netanyahu government, with liberals such as Representative Anthony Weiner insisting that there should be “automatically unconditional” support for Israeli government policy, while more conservative Democrats such as Heath Shuler argued instead that support for Israeli government policy should be “unconditionally automatic.”

Not to be outdone, Republican leaders swung into action. Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner, perhaps concerned about keeping up with his party’s “young guns” such as Cantor, announced this week that he would be enlisting in the Israeli Defense Forces. Israeli government spokespeople subsequently announced that Boehner had been promoted to lieutenant colonel.

However, Tea Party favorite Senator Jim DeMint criticized Boehner for not going far enough, and pointed to what he described as the “cushy” nature of Boehner’s new position with the IDF — such as an office with a window and unlimited tanning bed privileges — as evidence that Boehner has already become “just another corrupted Washington insider fatcat.”

To prove his point, DeMint joined the IDF, had himself promoted to general, and demanded to be placed on active duty. In a press release to his supporters, DeMint assured them that in the event of combat, he would be fighting, not for “the Jewish state,” but rather “for the kingdom of Jesus to come,” together with the future “conversation of the heathen,” with the exception of what he referred to as “the stiff-necked Jews,” who will be “confined to perdition for all eternity.”

In response, Abraham Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, announced that DeMint would be a recipient of the ADL’s “Anti-Semitic Israel Supporter of the Year” award, alongside ADL favorites Glenn Beck and Roger Ailes.

Prime Minister Netanyahu could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s office stated that Netanyahu would be hiring an assistant to screen persistent and annoying phone calls from U.S. politicians. Netanyahu has also promised to respond to friend requests from President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Senator John McCain, “and all those other ones” the next time he logs onto Facebook to post a video of IDF forces being brutally attacked by unarmed peace activists.

NOTE TO READERS: The above, with the exception of the actual remarks made by Rep. Cantor, is an attempt at satire. The thing about satire, though, is that it needs to be a bit more absurd than reality itself, and when it comes to U.S. politicians and their stances regarding Israel/Palestine, it’s hard to compete with the level of absurdity found in reality. For example, see the video below, in which Representative Louis Gohmert criticizes the U.S. government for forcing Israel to accept “illegal Palestinian settlements.” This, sadly, is not satire…

Rep. Gohmert Doesn`t Like "Illegal Palestinian Settlements"