Top Ten List: What To Expect In Lebanon Now That The STL Indictment is Out

[Lebanese Flag; Image From The CIA] [Lebanese Flag; Image From The CIA]

Top Ten List: What To Expect In Lebanon Now That The STL Indictment is Out

By : Maya Mikdashi

1-Sa`ad al-Hariri will release a videotaped statement from Paris saying that everyone in Lebanon must be brave and steadfast in pursuing justice for assassinated Prime Minister Rafik al Hariri. He will then go out for a five course meal, in Paris.

2-Hassan Nasrallah will release a videotaped statement from an unknown location where he announces that there will be peace and stability in Lebanon. He will sweat profusely, smile, and point his finger at the camera.He will then dispatch armed forces around the country to “enforce” this peace and stability.

3-Walid Jumblatt will provide the answers as he blows, and blows with the changing winds. A remake of the Bob Dylan classic will be called “Walid Bek, my friends, is blowing in the wind . . . Walid Bek is blowing in the wind(s)”

4-The United Nations and the “international community” will remember that international law is supposed to be binding. Well, sometimes at least. As long as it does not concern Israel`s occupation of Palestine, or Israel`s dispossession of Palestinians.

5-Thomas Friedman will make the rounds on mainstream news programs, sharing his “expertise” on Shiites. He will explain why they will react to the news differently than their Sunnite counterparts due to a DNA permutation that causes them to seek “martyrdom.” Friedman will suggest that nothing important has happened since the battle of Karbala, really.

6-Lebanese citizens will begin stocking up on what they need to survive another war. Overnight, the country will experience shortages of cigarettes, vodka, whiskey, and other intoxicants.

7-Lebanese businesses will begin plans to move to “safe” areas away from possible Sunnite-Shiite clashes and “away” from areas populated by their co-citizens who might be targeted by the Israeli war machine for living in a “Hezbollah [civilian] stronghold”. Don`t blame the businessmen, they are just doing their job by feeding the seemingly congenital Lebanese desire to “enjoy the summer.”

8-Al-Jazeera will begin covering the Iranian plot to throw Lebanon into disarray 24/7. Bahrain? What`s that?

9-Michel Aoun will reveal that in fact he is, and always has been, Rafik al Hariri. Thus, the indictment must be an Israeli-American plot, since he is still alive and kicking. The world will finally understand that his erratic behavior is actually due to him being two people, at once. Now, he can be the [Maronite] President and the [Sunni] Prime Minister of Lebanon. Beam me up, Scotty.

10-The stalemate in Lebanon will be stretched even thinner. Political factions opposed to Hezbollah will continue to re-arm and train their “secret” militias. Once they have assurances of Israeli-Saudi-American Saudi support, the stalemate will end with the ignition of a legally “legitimate” local-foreign war against a terrorist organization snubbing its nose at international law. Israel will take (as long as it is feasible) former Lebanese Minister of Defense Elias el-Murr`s advice to not target “Christian areas” of the country. Over a million Lebanese will be internally displaced, and thousands will die in order to enforce an “enlightened,” “life loving” and “democratic” Middle East. 

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Boutros Harb For President

In my capacity as a founding editor of Jadaliyya, I hereby endorse Boutros Harb, current Lebanese Minister of Labor, for the office of President of the republic. If Lebanon were a country where presidential candidates actually stood for elections and citizens actually voted to choose who would occupy the office of the President[1], I would certainly vote for him. I would even campaign for him.

Throughout a long career of public service to his country, Mr. Harb has demonstrated an uncanny understanding of and dedication to the whole of Lebanon, and not only to the community that his detractors say his only concern is; the Christians of Lebanon. While his detractors see a man whose political positions bend with the changing political winds, I see a man who has perfected the art of Lebanese politics and taken it, along with his once March 14 ally Walid Jumblatt, to a whole new level. Moreover, Harb has been in politics for a long, long time. He first became member of the Lebanese Parliament in 1972 and has been in one way or the other implicated in the numerous achievements of the Lebanese government since then. As Lebanese citizens, we know that our best hopes for reform, security, and prosperity rest with career politicians such as Bourtos Harb.

Most recently, Harb has once again demonstrated the reasons why he is the ideal (Maronite) man to lead Lebanon and to share power with the other two principled, incorruptible, and leading political minds of that country; Saad Harirri and Nabih Berri. A true visionary, Harb has proposed a draft law that would criminalize the sale of real estate between Christians and Muslims in Lebanon. With this law, he has demonstrated his uncanny understanding and dedication to what makes Lebanese so damn special. He alone has had the courage to state that it is not enough that Muslims and Christians cannot marry each other on Lebanese lands, that the political system is divided between the Shiite, Maronite, and Sunnite sects, and that Christians, Muslims, Jews and all the sects within these categories marry, divorce, inherit, adopt, commit adultery, and are buried when they die according to different laws and regulations. No, it is not enough. For Lebanon to truly live up to its promise as the only liberal diverse democracy in the Arab world, Muslims and Christians should not be able to sell land, apartments or houses to each other. For Lebanon to reach the heights envisioned by French imperialists and their local allies, real estate must also be segregated in order to protect the special character of that country. After all, if we are not careful, we are likely to end up like Saudi Arabia, Iran or Syria. As a Lebanese woman who enjoys living in a country that protects my rights and within which I am an equal to my male counterparts, I shudder at the thought.

With Lebanon plagued by political instability, rising unemployment and underemployment, and with the very real threat of another Lebanon-Israel war at hand, it takes great courage to concentrate on the issues that matter. With his draft law that criminalizes the sale of real estate across religious communities, Harb has demonstrated such courage. Instead of needlessly trying to change a practice whereby citizens try to keep “their” areas religiously homogenous, Harb has seen the logic in legislating this practice. With Lebanese citizens worried that they cannot pay their bills, that a new civil war may erupt, or that they and/or their children will be forced to emigrate, we can rest easy knowing that politicians like Boutros Harb know what we should be worried about and are willing to act based on their superior knowledge. I hereby endorse Boutros Harb for President for all of these reasons, and because he, and his policies, truly embody all that is right about Lebanon.

 


[1] In the Lebanese political system, the President is elected by the Lebanese Parliament, members of which must stand for general elections.