Our Lives Are Not Conditional: On Sarah Hegazy and Estrangement

Our Lives Are Not Conditional: On Sarah Hegazy and Estrangement

Our Lives Are Not Conditional: On Sarah Hegazy and Estrangement

By : Tareq Baconi

In the hours and days after her death, I kept returning to that picture of Sarah Hegazy which first surfaced in 2017 after she was arrested: a young woman beaming against the backdrop of Cairo’s polluted skies and bright concert lights. She was raised above the crowds, possibly on someone’s shoulders, her arms held high. The rainbow flag she was clutching fell across her back, like a cape.

The look of joy on her face haunted me. Her lightness. Apparently unburdened by the weight of her being. Carelessly draping the flag around her shoulders. The picture was not one of defiance, but of easy presence. In a single, flippant moment, she had let her guard down, and allowed herself to be peaceful in her own skin. Maybe even proud. Against the backdrop of an endless crowd, there was only her, and a moment of intimacy with the camera. She looked free. That is why the photograph was so threatening to her tormentors. Because it captured a fleeting suggestion that happiness and freedom at home might be possible for people like us.  

As queer Arabs, members of the LGBTQ+ community, we learn how to survive before we even know what it is that we are surviving. We learn the socially acceptable way to walk and talk. How to wear our masculinity or femininity and how to perform each in ways that do not land us in trouble. How to concoct intricate realities; how to live plausible lies. We snap our wrists when they are too loose, control our hips when they sway too far and force ourselves into pink dresses when we long for jeans. We soften or deepen our voices. We mimic the gestures around us instead of finding our own. 

We sculpt masks and, for the most part, we keep them on. Even as we prosper in cities around the region, find friends and lovers, create safe spaces and cultivate communities, build homes and work, we exist on the peripheries. We are all trying, in our own ways, to live in a world that, at best, legally erases us and at worst, condemns us to death. Social circles that at best, tolerate us and at worst, ostracize and banish us. 

Some of us fare better than others. Some thrive, others falter. Some internalize their public personas, others the hate they receive. Some hide, others run away. Some enter straight marriages, others come out, while most live in the space in between, not crumbling yet not quite thriving either. Then there are those brave souls, like Sarah Hegazy, who live their truth for all to see, allowing us to dream of a reality where our sexuality does not define the extent of who we are. Maybe times are changing, we tell ourselves. Maybe we can let our guard down just a little, to flirt or to be. To affirm ourselves and test the boundaries of our world. 

Then comes the cruel wake-up call. Any one of us could have been Sarah, with her carefree gesture on a fun night out, drunk on delusions of hope. Celebrating camaraderie and the bliss of being surrounded by people who see and accept. Her happiness was rewarded with imprisonment, electrocution, sexual assault, and exile. A reminder, as if any more are needed, that we, queer Arabs, must always keep our masks within reach.  

*** 

My phone rang incessantly in the hours and days after her death. I did not know Sarah personally, and we had no friends in common, so I was unprepared for how personal the loss felt. The messages landing in my inbox told me that others felt the same. Organically, we found ourselves in circles of communal grieving, spanning London to Lisbon to Boston, Amman to Haifa to Beirut. What was it about Sarah’s story that touched all of us in this way, beyond the meaningless tragedy of it all?

I masochistically scrolled through post after post on social media in search of answers. This was a selfish and numbing exercise. I wanted to see what people were saying, to try to understand the landscape of the conversation around her death. Every time someone came out in solidarity with her, I felt a burst of hope. Some people see us. Many rallied in grief and support. We need those allies, the privileged who can speak on our behalf, and can be heard in ways we are not. 

But the deluge of hate was overwhelming. In the channels I looked at, people could not decide which part of her to take down first. They competed in their judgement of her as a means of affirming their own self-righteousness. Comment after comment of vile anger, and I could not make out what most rattled these commentators, her queerness or her atheism, her communism or her feminism. Equal offenders, they all seemed, as the detractors cited endless verses from our holy books to justify hateful condemnation. 

Not least offensive, of course, was the nature of her death. Those who take their own lives deserve to burn in hell and can be shown no mercy. Never mind reckoning with the view that Sarah did not take her own life, but was killed by our society’s smallness and its incapacity to make room for the breadth of her humanity. 

I tried to convince myself I was not upset by the comments, having normalized this hateful rhetoric over many years, and having long dismissed it as illogical and incoherent. But I had forgotten how dangerous vile words could be. Peering into this parallel universe I was suddenly curious. What are they so scared of? 

Why does the idea of a communist, atheist, lesbian invoke state violence, religious condemnation, and patriarchal hate? 

I know the answers to all those questions, of course. We all do. We carry them in our bones. There is nothing more frightening than threatened insecurity. I am simply asking to show the absurdity of it all. 

Arab nations, in all their might, trembling in the face of a happy young woman. 

***

Sarah’s death evokes to my mind Samir Kassir’s reflections on the Arab malaise: the pervasive feeling of inadequacy that permeates our world is so damning, so wholly crippling, that many find it easier to flee. 

Like other queers from the region, I am painfully familiar with the choice we all face at some point in our lives: conform or vanish. Growing up in the region, there was no sign of queerness in the ecosystem around me. Before the internet, I somehow taught myself that all the voices in my soul which whispered to me that I was gay were dangerous. They had to be crushed. Conform or vanish. That is the persistent message that is unwittingly or maliciously drummed into us. There is only one kind of normal. 

Faced with that choice, I, as many of us do, absented a part of myself. I was privileged enough that what Kassir calls the “individual flight” was possible for me. I built a home elsewhere, in London. Many others, too many, have chosen lives outside the Middle East. Steeped in our privilege, we carry immense guilt at being able to flee, along with much homesickness. 

Exile is too strong a word, estrangement perhaps more fitting. We could choose to stay. Many do with no regrets, while others are choked by the tyranny of what is deemed normal around them. Most do not have that choice in the first place. But here is what I did not know when I chose to be in London: we carry our homes in our hearts. Whether we stay or flee, estrangement affects us the same way. The messages landing in my phone showed that our collective pain knew no geographic boundaries. Because a person can vanish themselves and be exiled from their families and their communities even when they stay put. 

We have yet to collectively acknowledge the violence inherent in being told, explicitly or otherwise, that we are not welcome in our homes. Sarah’s tragedy touched so many of us because her story was the extreme version of what we are all living. She fled to safety in Canada. That should have been the end of her tragedy, not a new chapter of pain. She could have prospered, some say. But those of us who flee know better. We carry our past traumas with us into foreign lands, where they metastasize. Geographic separation might provide physical safety, but the initial expulsion from our homes still ultimately tears us apart. Sarah’s death, alone in Toronto, was the confirmation of everything we fear: dying alone, away from our homes, judged and hated by our societies, even after we pass. 

*** 

It is the accusation that we are foreign agents that I am most bitter about. That our minds have been colonized. We are Westernized. Godless. Corrupted by values that have no place in our Arab world. While American capitalism floods our streets and Israeli surveillance equipment arm our dictators, it is the woman wrapped in a rainbow-colored flag who is the corrupting foreign agent. 

We are the products of the very same world you inhabit. We come from Saudi Arabia and Palestine and Jordan and Qatar and Bahrain, and we breathe the same air you breathe. We love the same food and music that you do. We share the same politics, and we fight the same causes. We are Islamist, and we are secular. We are, by birth and by choice, queer Arabs. And let me tell you, there are hordes of us. 

As the years unfolded before me in London, and my own mask came off, I realized that I resented the choice I was forced to make. Choosing between my gayness and my belonging was not something I could do. It was a binary I rejected. 

I began the journey to reclaim my homeland about the same time that Mashrou’ Leila’s arresting tunes were filling our airwaves. The music was revolutionary because it created a different reality. It gave voice to an Arab milieu that not only tolerated us, but understood us with all our idiosyncrasies. The music and the lyrics held us in our complexities, our queerness and Arabness and diverse politics and faiths, and mitigated the demand for us to choose between all these polarities. It evoked the smell of jasmine in the air and the tiresome nagging of our mothers even as it acknowledged our capacity for authentic love and our melancholy. The crowds flocked and men and women could see, unlike in my childhood, a version of themselves thriving, embracing their humanity to its fullest. Realizing they are not alone.

It was a time when millions were pushing a regional politics of dignity, of humanism, not of authoritarianism and corruption. That was then and this is now.

***

Is our Arabness so brittle that it can only survive in homogenous terms? What is it that makes us so insecure about our Arabness that we can make no room for the millions of shades that we are painted, whether Islamist or secular, queer or straight?

Imagine an Arab identity strong enough to hold us all, side by side, instead of trying to dictate a single narrative. Like Mashrou’ Leila taking strands of our identity and weaving them together into a single moving ballad.

If only we would let it. 

Maybe this is naïve idealism. Maybe this is why Sarah knew better. She said it best when she wrote that the heavens are sweeter than this earth. She did not need to explain which she was choosing. Who can blame her? This earth had let her, and so many others, down and had shattered a million and more dreams.  

I myself finally shattered when I heard Hamed Sinno, Mashrou’ Leila’s lead singer, take Sarah’s words and give them life with his soulful voice. Wearing a black T-shirt that read “but our earth lives within us,” he captured perfectly our pain, and the knowledge that our homeland, just like our exile, rests within our hearts. And just as his voice had given me space to dream, it also permitted me to grieve. To mourn, not only Sarah’s death, but also the cost our revolution for acceptance demands. The price we have to pay so that our lives might one day no longer be conditional. 

We are not quite there yet. But we will be, because we are not going anywhere, and we refuse for our love of the region to be made contingent on an impossible self-denial. As we came together by text and phone this past week, there was joy in our communal sisterhood and brotherhood. The same space where Sarah first let her guard down, in that concert, surrounded by friends and allies, recreated itself and held us in our estrangement. 

As Hamed’s face contorted in emotion, the tears finally flowed down my cheeks. I thought of Sarah. Her story was specific to her, but touches all those souls who are persecuted, for their sexuality or their politics, their faiths or their race, whether they are exiled in strange lands or familiar ones, because of silent wars or explosive ones. As Sarah makes her way to her heavens, she reminds us that to live, we must live in our wholeness, with all the messy, painful, complex contradictions that make us human. Our lives are not conditional on anything. Neither was hers. Rest in power, comrade.

[This article was originally posted on Mada Masr.]

In the Shadow of Malala: The West’s Unsaved Others

Malala Yousafzai has made a number of headlines in the past few weeks: Nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, addressing the UN on the occasion of “Malala Day” dedicated to youth education, meeting with the Obamas in the Oval Office, chatting with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace, speaking at the World Bank’s “International Day of the Girl,” and receiving the honorary Canadian citizenship. In case you missed it, even The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart declared his wish to adopt her.

Many have written about Malala’s fame. Journalist Assed Baig argued that Western journalists and politicians have used Malala to appease their white man’s burden, to hide their sins in Afghanistan and Iraq, and to divert attention from the Western-caused suffering of many in the region. In a recent piece on Al-Jazeera, Murtaza Hussain compared Malala to nine-year-old Pakistani girl Nabila Rehman who came to Washington D.C. to testify before Congress about the drone attack that killed her grandmother last year. Only five out of 430 representatives came to hear Nabila’s story. For Hussain, Malala Politicians and pundits used Malala as the human face of the American-led War on Terror, on behalf of whom “the United States and its allies can say they have been unleashing such incredible bloodshed.” Nabila, on the other hand, had become, “simply another one of the millions of nameless, faceless people who have had their lives destroyed over the past decade of American wars.”

By shedding light on the suffering, past and present, of people in the Middle East, such critical interventions expose Western political propaganda’s use of Malala. But who are Malala’s others? For she has many. And they are not just those in the Middle East, but in the heart of the West itself. Certainly, Malala’s near-canonization diverts attention from the chaos and injustice of the War on Terror in the region. But what about those black, brown, and white poor bodies, in the West, that remain in Malala’s shadow?

Malala rose to international fame following a failed assassination attempt by the Taliban on 9 October, 2012. Taliban gunmen shot her in the head and neck as she was returning home on a school bus in the Swat district of Pakistan. The attack received worldwide media coverage and prompted condemnations from President Obama, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, and British Foreign Secretary William Hague. Days after the attack, Malala was flown to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham for surgery and rehabilitation. Former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a Washington Post op-ed comparing Malala to Holocaust diarist Anne Frank. Angelina Jolie donated 200,000 dollars to the Malala Fund. The young girl received the Simone De Beauvoir Award (previously given to Ayaan Hirsi Ali). Foreign Policy voted her among the top one hundred global thinkers in 2012. Time magazine listed Malala among the one hundred most influential people in the world in 2013. She had also made it to the magazine’s shortlist of Person of the Year in 2012. At sixteen, Malala has already published her first autobiography, I am Malala, and has her portrait commissioned for the National Gallery in London.

As the French magazine Le Point put it, Malala had become “an enterprise,” one that is run by the world’s largest independently owned public relations firm, Edelman. The multimillion dollar firm had allegedly dispatched five employees to assist Malala and her family, pro bono, in managing the media interest in her campaign. McKinsey, the renowned American global management consulting firm, is also involved in the campaign, handling the Malala Fund for the education of girls.

Of course, Malala is a modern-day heroine, and a great model to many. She was shot by the Taliban for speaking up against their ban on girls’ education, most famously in a 2009 series of blog posts commissioned by BBC’s Urdu service website. But Malala’s message of girls’ right to education cannot but be eclipsed by her larger-than-life persona that Western states, international organizations, public figures, and public relations firms have manufactured. This essay is not about Malala, the person, as much as it is about her international circulation as an icon. It is not about Malala’s deeds, unquestionably noble, but about Western politicians and media figures’ fascination with this young girl.

The history behind Western media narratives about Muslim women’s plight is by now all too familiar. As Lila Abu Lughod has shown, in the context of the post 9/11 War on Terror, Western political projects, including the United States War on Afghanistan, justify themselves by purporting to liberate and save women. Decades earlier, Frantz Fanon wrote about France’s project to colonize Algeria by unveiling/civilizing its women. Laura Bush’s unwavering commitment to brown women attests to the tenacity of the narrative. In fact, the former First Lady explicitly framed her Washington Post op-ed, “A Girl’s Courage Challenges Us to Act,” as a follow-up to her first presidential radio address. During that address in November 2001, Laura Bush justified the invasion of Afghanistan in the name of the liberation of its women, claiming that “the fight against terrorism is also a fight for the rights and dignity of women.” Bush ends her most recent op-ed with the following words: “Today, for Malala and the many girls like her, we need not and cannot wait. We must improve their world.” Plus ça change…Eleven years after the invasion of Afghanistan, Bush is still bent on saving Muslim women. Eleven years after asking her initial question, “Do Muslim Women Really Need Saving?” Abu Lughod is still trying to explain why, in fact, they do not.

Activists, artists, and intellectuals have repeatedly challenged everyone from Bush to the bare breasted women of FEMEN in their imperative to liberate Muslim women by speaking on their behalf. One recent example is thisbeautifully-executed Muslim superhero cartoon. Third world feminists have powerfully formulated these critiques for decades. But there is something peculiar about Malala that cannot be explained only by exposing the fetish of saving the brown woman. The critique must move further into the underbelly of this affective excess, to recuperate those other brown women that the “we” of Laura Bush does not want to save Otherwise, the analysis remains politically incomplete and critically lopsided, further reproducing the fixation on brown women “over there.” There is something about this sixteen-year-old amassing award after award and prize after prize that says much more about the West than it does about Malala, Pakistani girls, or the right to universal education.

This painful story “over here” is particularly poignant given the collapse of public education in the United States. The US president commends Malala on her “inspiring and passionate work on behalf of girls education in Pakistan" just as twelve-year-old Laporshia Massey died because the government did not find it necessary to pay a full-time nurse at her under-funded Philadelphia school. To be sure, no one will award Laporshia a Nobel Peace Prize. She is not Pakistani, not a Middle Eastern Muslim girl shot in the head by the Taliban. No one will send Laporshia a helicopter to fly her to a hospital. She is just a poor black girl from Philly. She suffocates quietly in her classroom. She is told “there’s no nurse, just be calm.” She is ordered to wait even as Laura Bush implores, “we need not and cannot wait. We must improve their world.” The world that must be saved is far away over there; ours is doing just fine. In his meeting with Malala, president Obama signed a proclamation to mark Friday as the “International Day of the Girl.” The proclamation reads: "on every continent, there are girls who will go on to change the world in ways we can only imagine, if only we allow them the freedom to dream." Young girls from American public high schools are pleading with their government to build schools, not prisons. They are dreaming out loud, but who is listening?

Muslim girls’ right to education must also be brought into relief in France, which bans Muslim girls donning the headscarf—the one Malala wears—from attending public schools. Many believed that the 2004 law, which instituted a ban on “conspicuous signs” of religious affiliations in French state schools, was specifically targeting Muslim girls wearing headscarves, and through them, the country’s Muslim minority. The secular republic ostensibly banned the headscarf to safeguard France’s laïcité. But many intellectuals and public figures couched the ban in a rhetoric of gender equality whereby the secular law saves women from the tyranny of their religious communities. Lest we forget, the headscarf controversy itself dates back to 1989, as Joan Scott shows in The Politics of the Veil, when three French Muslim girls (of Moroccan origin) who refused to remove their headscarves were expelled from their Middle School in the Parisian suburb of Creil. Canada will not grant them honorary citizenship, but the King of Morocco himself will intervene to convince them to remove their headscarf when entering a classroom. But, as Scott shows, in a clear demonstration of their personal conviction, they continued to wear the hijab in the school’s hallways and courtyards. Their struggle did not go down in history as a story of Muslim girls’ fight for equal education. Nor did that of fifteen-year-old Cennet Doganay (of Turkish origin) who shaved her head to be able to attend class. Following the ban in 2004, Doganay tried to substitute a beret and a bandana for her headscarf, “but they still refused to let her into class." The BBC, who reported her story, did not ask her to blog about her experience.

There is something about Malala, and it is not the white savior complex,” or not only that. It is the erasures that are enacted by her global circulation as an iconic brown, Muslim girl. Malala screens from view the Laporshias and Cennets in our midst. There is something about her hypervisible presence that further enacts a symbolic violence against the poor, black, and brown bodies, in our midst in Europe and the United States. These bodies are constantly erased from public, undeserving as they are of collective “white” middle-class attention and care. These bodies are ordered to enact their own self-erasure: by being quite, not blogging about injustice; by hiding their difference, not flaunting their scarves; by accommodating dominant social values, not subverting them. Would a million prizes for Malala wash away the hefty price of an American or European education?

Yes, Philadelphia may not be the Swat Valley, but one has to wonder, given the history of mass school shootings in the United States that have taken the lives of American children and teenagers. The Pakistani government, following Malala’s shooting, ratified the Right to Education Bill; the United States has yet to pass a law on gun control. Yes, the girls of Creil were not shot in the head. But the comparison is not meant to suggest similarity. The juxtaposition of these differently-situated young brown female bodies is necessary if we are to grasp the connections between the injustices they face. Mapping these connections does not equalize experiences; it reveals how education is a common discursive thread, differently-deployed, across these stories. It forces us to contemplate the terms of “girls’ right to education,” of which Malala has become the poster child. It impels us to specify the subject of these rights, and to identify those whose exclusion is masked in the process.

Exclusion is universal; it is historical and contextual. In Jim Crow America, black girls were not allowed in public (white) schools. In Taliban-dominated Swat Valley, girls are not allowed in public (boy) schools. In republican France, veiled girls are not allowed in public (secular) schools. In many places around the world, from Philadelphia to Santiago, poor girls (and boys) are not allowed public schools altogether. Schools are places where the exclusionary logics of racism, republican secularism, Islamism, and neoliberalism, as different as they may be, become manifest. Schools are the locus where such exclusions are enacted, learnt and normalized. Schools are where children become versed in the grammar of national culture. They are where “others” are taught that they are unwelcome into the fold of the nation, society, and community.

Exclusion is not a Taliban-created exception. It is all around us. And there is something about Malala, as a poster child for girls’ right to education that is meant to make us think otherwise. There is something about an internationally-endorsed, officially-supported, generously-funded, Nobel-prize nominated, and branded campaign for education, starring a brown Muslim girl, that sharply contrasts with recent student protests in QuebecChile,France, the United StatesSpain, and the United Kingdom (among other places). There is something deeply wrong when gender is deployed as the sole source of inequality that must be addressed (albeit in far-away places). There is something deeply wrong when transnational state feminism displaces class inequalities, deeply felt in the languishing state of public education, onto the body of a Taliban-shot sixteen-year-old girl. Such a displacement undermines Malala’s just cause against religiously-inflected social injustice by making it exceptional, by severing its links to global demands for equal and free education. If feminism is not to be co-opted by a neoliberal discourse, as Nancy Fraser recently argued, we must be aware of the fetishization of gender inequality that makes moot all other inequalities.

Western governments have used the figure of the victimized brown woman in the past to justify overseas action, intervention, expansion. Here, they are also using it to whitewash and legitimate the withdrawal of the state from the public domain. As if this child’s small body, stretched and overblown by awards and honors, is supposed to hide the ever-shrinking state; as if Malala’s inflated body will cast a large enough shadow over the growing pool of bodies the state has abandoned.