[Written in part with an Orientalist feel. This is published on Jadaliyya’s otherwise dormant satirical Toughniece section.]
Late last night, the official Public Relations officer at ISIS, Adnan Thu-l-Miqdaad, announced that ISIS will be suspending all public beheadings and will restrict viewing to high-level ISIS officers, minorities, and women. “It has been a tough week, with two infidels, an ISIS operative in Italy, and a Yazidi captive having contracted the Coronavirus,” issued the spokesman in a published and YouTube streamed statement. “We assure our allies and enemies alike, we are taking severe measures to prevent the spread of the virus within all our camp hideouts in Syria, Iraq, Libya, and other undisclosed locations (click here for the second-best estimation of such locations).” He went on to declare “we don’t need a global epidemic, we have been pioneers in effecting social distancing for at least fifty percent of our population long before Corona Shmirona.”
Thu-l-Miqdad was careful to assure the families of all beheading victims that the executioners have tested negative for the Coronavirus. However, he continues, “as an added precaution, they will be wearing gloves as well as will have washed their hands while singing either the refrain from ZZ Top’s hit, “Legs,” or the first part of Fahd Ballan’s “Larkab Haddak Yal-Motor,” Chicago Tribune and New York Times reporters were perplexed at the Ballan choice of singer, as their research yielded that he is Druze, not Sunni. They retorted at the Youtube stream comments section of the ISIS’s press conference in real-time, “How does this affect the morale of ISIS executioners? And, more importantly, do these jingles exceed the optimal length of twenty seconds?” The ISIS official was visibly disturbed by the undertones of the question and dismissed it by decrying their sectarian lens by saying “not everything is about sect, Jonny,” and explained, in extensive detail, that care was given at their audio-visual wing to eliminate the whimsical rhythm while singing so as not to exceed twenty seconds, especially if you stop after ‘bnayyyeh,’ in Ballan’s song, though “there really is no way to control the cadence of every individual . . . we do however reprimand anyone who appears to be enjoying the refrain, especially if they bust out into some Dabkeh moves in the second iteration when the words make their way into the collective unconscious of Levantine members.”
[Fahd Ballan CD covers where the song appears.]
Responding to questions about the curious selection of ZZ Top, the P/R representative went into a long-winded discussion that, because of the multi-national origin of its members, most of whom are not Arab, many are unfamiliar with Fahd Ballan because of age or country of origin, or might be too distracted by the good looks of Ballan, especially on the cover of his Greatest Hits cd, Volume 3.” In that vein, Thu-l-Miqdad did appreciate that the new Trump travel suspension from Europe was clarified by the Department of Homeland Security to exclude trade, which means that the $7.99 CD he cited “can be delivered by Amazon to our members in Europe.” He continued to answer other questions about ZZ Top, revealing he did not know of the group but revealed his father was “convinced they were Muslim,” and that “clearly they will not distract our closeted fighters.”
Within less than twelve hours from the announcement, Middle East, Islam, Arabs, Violence, Security, and Terrorism experts at the American Enterprise Institute took to their drawing boards to analyze whether the songs’ refrains reflected codes for overseas operations, especially regarding that of Ballan, citing the keyword “Motor,” which could signal somehow their next strike. Not to be overtaken analytically, MEMRI, known for ultra-creative translations of anything a Muslim man with a headcover of sorts (the ratio has to be 2:1) says, reported quickly that “Larkab,” with some adjustments, can be code for the Lockerbie bombing style, not least because the convicted appeal bid was recently allowed. The Editor’s sister-in-law immediately found this analysis convincing. Despite that, the Department of Homeland Security found both interpretations to be hasty, and extended the research period for at least eight more hours before taking action or threatening to invade something.
[Image from MEMRI website, accessed on 12 March 2020.]
Thu-l-Miqdad went on to lambast the United States for its dubious ban on European flights entering the United States citing various arguments shared on CNN. He quoted an unnamed official from the online version of ISIS’ mouthpiece, Dabeq, saying, “We are particularly pleased with the Cuomo’s handling of such critique.” However, simultaneously, Thu-l-Miqdad backed Trump supporters in blaming the Coronavirus outrage on the media and the Democrats in a nod to Trump’s “manly man’s and no bullsh** attitude,” presumably emboldened by the Trump-Taliban talks that might be replicated with ISIS. “Why not?” Thu-l-Miqdad retorted, further saying, “We destroy heathen statues too and, let’s face it, we also in part owe our rise to US and [sic] Saudi intervention in the region.”
[Image of Purell Jelly Wrap Bracelet containers.]
The ISIS official closed by issuing “thanks to the government of Israel for providing logistical support and Purell during these hard times, especially the ones that hang from the rear-view mirror in cars and trucks, namely the ones with the jelly coating that engulfs the cute tiny bottles where you have to engage in forms of plastic fornication to pin them down.” He continued, “The gelatinous coating can be reused, for environmental reasons.” As he departed, Thu-l-Miqdad joked, “And don’t worry, we are quarantining the European infidels among us,” but then walked back to the mic and said, “Get it? . . . no no, not like the Chinese do in Xinjiang . . . we always . . . oh, forget it, I need to wash my hands.”
[uhhhh, ISIS did have their own approach, if you’r interested. Here: http://www.aymennjawad.org/2020/03/islamic-state-advice-on-coronavirus-pandemic]